So, the weather’s not great this time of the year and it feels like winter in my heart too; right now, it’s utterly impossible to imagine anything as enjoyable as changing into my pajamas, ordering a pizza, opening a bottle of wine, and snuggling in for some quality couch time.
Should I act like nothing’s happened? Or should I talk about it? But what if I say the wrong thing? We all process things differently. I like to write about it, which somehow gives me a sense of structure and supports my reflections. I’m not going to try to be right or perfect, I’m just going to say it as it is.
Last month, I was in Mauritius; not having fun in the sun but completing the last module of my Coaching Mastery course. If you have location envy right now, don’t! It was the most intense and grueling challenge I have faced since my MBA exams, with an intense schedule from 9am to 10pm (including early morning exercising) every day. “Neuro-Semantics training is like learning a whole new language”, I heard someone say, and it makes for a whole new way of thinking. We were benchmarked in seven coaching labs and feedback was quick, consistent and direct. Groupwork meant that breaks, lunchtimes and dinner were busy as well and there was no downtime.
Now I can appreciate it when someone calls themselves a Meta-Coach. The Society of Neuro-Semantics has the highest coaching standards and benchmarking in the world, and I fully understand why. It was not just learning, but self-learning. We were trained by co-founder Dr Michael Hall (PhD), who only delivers this level of training in a few countries each year and who operates on a level which made me wonder if he was an alien from another planet.
Though it was hard, it was thoroughly worth it. My pre-certified achievement allows me to continue to practice and charge for executive, personal and business coaching whilst developing my skills over the next 2-3 months. I completed Level 1 and 2 in 2018, and Level 3 will give me my international Neuro-Semantics Meta-Coach certification. I am looking forward to bringing a unique and new dynamic to my coaching conversations. I am a Meta-Coach.
However, those ten days were some of the toughest in another way…
On Sunday, 16 June 2019, my sister-cousin passed away. She was just 34 years old. I call her my sister-cousin, because we had a blood bond stronger than any friendship and stronger than most families. I received the message early Sunday morning while I was getting ready for the 5th day of my 10-day training course. I was in a foreign country, without my family.
After some tears of shock, I was forced to shift into robot mode trying to figure out how I will get back home, or how I will get through the rest of the course. Somewhere between the calls with relatives and the reality (and confusion) of what was expected of me I just went numb. My other cousin and I, also on her coaching journey, attended the course together and whilst we lost one sister, we had each other and shared a very unique experience where we will always honor her in a very special memory.
Grieving the loss of a loved one tears open our hearts, our lives, and seems to make time stand still, as we search for ways to make sense of the loss and what it means? You’ve been there before. Heck, we’ve all been there. On top of that my Dad was re-admitted to ICU after a horrible motorbike accident at the end of April. I told a few people this year that I’m surrounded by death in my closest circles and I can’t help but wonder what I need to do with that. What is it that I must learn?
These thoughts sometimes seem impossible to put aside, but even as we get stuck in darkness and sadness, it is important to remember that life is made up of this balance of shadow and light.
Looking back at the past month and months to come, the following thoughts and advice from the closest people around me are what keeps me going:
- Everybody Hurts Sometimes. Grieving is not a ‘tick-box exercise’. Everyone is different and they process their hurt differently. However, there is comfort in the fact that grief has a cycle and by being aware and working through this cycle, chances are you’ll come out whole on the other side of grief. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross identified five distinct stages of grieving, stages we just have to accept and work through.
- Denial: refusing to accept that the loss has occurred.
- Anger: feeling angry or frustrated with everyday tasks or work.
- Bargaining: believing that changing something will reverse the loss.
- Depression: feeling unmotivated, disengaged and discouraged.
- Acceptance: coming to terms with the loss and feeling more emotionally stable.
- Be Kind to Yourself. At times like these we deserve to wrap ourselves up in complete compassion. When we feel alone, the only way to remedy this is by choosing to invite others into our lives. A friend once told me that we only have a chance to get what we want if we ask for it. So, ask.
- Action is a Good Thing. Try not to let death make you shut down or give up. Grief can stop us in our tracks. But, while taking some time to rest is a good thing, don’t get weighed down in darkness and despair. Take action. At first, you may only be able to go through the motions: get up, go to work, go home, go to bed, rinse, repeat. That’s ok; soon you will be able to focus on something small outside your bubble of grief. By taking action, moving your body forward, your mood and thoughts and spirits will also rise.
- Choose to Live. Death often gives us a fresh perspective about our lives and our roles within it. Mundane work details no longer seem a priority. Suddenly, you might feel you’re wasting your life by not living fully. Is working and going about the usual things 24/7 really all it’s about? Shouldn’t you pack up and go on a “Eat, Pray, Love” movie journey? These thoughts are normal. And although the passing of a loved one may have given you new perspective it’s not wise to make life changing decisions during periods of grief. Honor your loved ones by thanking them for helping you recognise where you’re at, what matters to you, and what you’re spending your precious time and resources on. Later, you can start re-evaluating your life’s goals and purpose and figuring out, before it’s too late, what you might need to do to get to where you were meant to be.
When it comes to loss and acceptance and moving on we need to be kind and we need to respond flexibility, build resilience, and support people in a way that is unique to their needs. I am exploring a focus group for people dealing with grief, when the time is right (for me) – all kinds of grief. It is not intended to be a counseling session, but somehow, somewhere I believe we will find support in each other’s hearts.
Love and Light
Adele xxx